RESPONDENT: Are you not subject to the pain of loss? Wouldn’t this cause some fear?
RICHARD: Again, no. I amcompletely and utterly autonomous … I do not need anyone to satisfy some lack in me. Thus I free the other from ‘my’ graceless demands.
I experience no fear whatsoever … which does away with the need for trust, faith, hope and belief. This is my on-going experience twenty four hours a day, year after year.
My experience is that autonomy leads to neither isolation nor ostracization as I feared it would at some stage, but if it is pursued diligently and persistently it leads to an actual intimacy and ease with all of my fellow human beings – and I, once again, experienced the peace on earth that already, always exists.
For me, the key was to stop expecting or demanding that other people behave how I thought they should behave, to stop imposing my moods and whims on others, to stop obliging the whims and moods of others, to stop expecting or demanding of others what I was unwilling or unable to give.
The magic outcome of this process is that one eventually ceases to expect anything of anyone else – then you can never feel let down, disappointed, obligated, grateful or resentful. This cleaning yourself up – eliminating your social and instinctual identity – leads to a delicious and tangible autonomy. You become delightful company, both happy and harmless, free to interact with all of your fellow human beings in a way that is always appropriate, for you are guileless, innocent – childlike but with all the benefits of life experiences and a passion-free benign clarity.
Physicality of being on one’s own
R: One can still enjoy sexuality … the important thing is to be self-generating, self-reliant, self-contained. Then whatever happens with another is a bonus. One is not dependent upon anyone for anything … the need for sexual gratification is gone. Then, and only then, sexuality is a delight; a freely enjoyed delight. There is no necessity, no need for claims upon another, no bargaining, no power-trips, no being caught-up in the grip of addictive compulsions … and so on. This is freedom indeed!
Q: This is delicious … I am enjoying this.
R: You see, anything one has with another is, per definition, not lasting. They can turn away, disappear, whatever. What you have for yourself is yours forever. The cute part in all this is that when you are totally self-sufficient, self-generating, then you can be with another one hundred per cent. This is a joy and a felicity for both yourself and the other.
Q: Yes. That’s what it is. Anything I feel for another is actually polluting me.
R: Without feelings, only then can you enjoy the other fully … which allows for mutual pleasure. Then you are not dependent on another for your core being, your basic being.
When I get up early in the morning, when everyone else is asleep, I am on my own, physically. How I experience myself then is the same as I experience myself now, with company. This exchange of views, this interaction with you two is a delightful bonus, a freely enjoyed interchange. Yet how I am in myself now is no different to being on my own.
In relation to love
The key ingredient for feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ was, when ‘she’ investigated the pining aspect of love, ‘her’ childhood-inspired romantic dream of belonging to a man and therefrom having an iron-clad identity as a woman (A Bit of Vineeto, #love). Seeing this fact, thus abandoning the romantic dream, and reclaiming ‘her’ autonomy, was only the beginning of a longer process of weening ‘herself’ off the whole maze of female identity and man-woman relating in general.
[..] If this fact, that love will not solve your problem of aloneness and loneliness, is allowed to sink in, as an irrefutable fact, love will lose its appeal and you can regain your autonomy and dignity as a person in your own right – and simultaneous recognize your partner’s own autonomy and dignity. It also dispenses with pining and jealousy in one fell swoop.
With autonomy and dignity restored you can then naively relate to your fellow human beings in an increasingly intimate way, unilaterally. I know from experience how much a woman can appreciate intimacy, even though she may not know that this is really what she is looking for when she says she wants love. You will find out yourself when you proceed interacting with your partner in an intimate rather than loving way.
VINEETO: One thing that I particularly didn’t like about falling in love was the pining. Whenever I was not with Peter I felt I was tied to him on a long elastic cord and not able to fully enjoy whatever I was doing by myself. Digging into what could be the reason for my pining, I discovered what I call the ‘Cinderella-syndrome’ – the romantic dream that most women have about the perfect and noble man. We are not only looking for someone who takes care of us when our own strength fails us, but also for someone who gives perspective, meaning, definition and identity to our lives, be it as father of our kids, provider of social status, security or a purpose for life. According to this dream Peter should be the answer to the question which I wasn’t willing to face myself: ‘What do I really want to do with my life?’ I remember a Monday evening after a weekend together, and I had been pining the whole day. I had not enjoyed work as I found myself struggling to get out of this exhausting dependency. Here I was, 44 years old and as silly as a teenager! After work I took a long walk across rolling hills into a spectacular sunset, trying to work out what I wanted to do with my life. (…). That very evening the situation changed. My pining stopped. The fog in the head cleared. My expectations disappeared. I could again stand on my own feet and equally enjoy the time when I was by myself. I had recovered my autonomy – my autonomy in the sense that I am the only one in my life who is responsible for my happiness